Monday, July 24, 2017

It's funny how unexpected life can be. One moment you're in the hospital for a STI and the next moment you meet someone you wanna spend the rest of your life with.

It's been so long since I came to this space, one of the main reasons being I've been really busy with everything else. Another being the idea of opening up to this space because there are so many things I wanna talk about but I don't know how to put it into words.

It's 3.37am right now and I should be sleeping cause I have to be up in 2hr 30mins time.

Let's just start from where I left off shall we. Hospital.

I was hospitalized for a week; in so much pain that for a moment I thought I was finally dying. When I heard my diagnosis after 3 days of being in the hospital without a clue bout what has happened to me, I broke down. I felt like it was the final warning to me before the real thing comes. I knew that things would change drastically. And it did. I was so afraid of going back to my old ways. But everything fell into place, I guess. It was nice to finally see who are my true friends. I felt like a newborn (somehow?) opening my eyes up to the cruel cruel world once again. I felt like burning so many bridges with people whom I am close to. I saw how some people are just, unworthy of my time. The most unexpected people came to visit, even one whom I met for the first time and I only know him for like less than a week.

I knew that there were a lot of things I had to change. Getting a proper job, burning bridges, basically getting my shit together and sober up to reality and just face life as it is. Some things I've achieved, like finally getting a full time job (that I absolutely hate), stabilizing my finances and less drinking. I mean I still drink but not as often as I did. Some things I still don't know how to do. There's so much I wanna talk about this particular topic but I feel like I need to really think things through and like, really confirm my decision.

3 days after being discharged from the hospital, I met the most wonderful man. Unexpected af. I was honestly expecting another fuckboy. But I just felt something so strong. He was so... different. I knew I fell instantly. I don't know how to describe the feelings I felt. I was even like 100% sure that he was the one, but now I just really want to settle down and spend the rest of my life with him. I don't even talk to other boys anymore, I don't go on Tinder anymore. Everything is just about him. And I kinda like it. He changed me as a person. I like how our personality compliments each other and we would always be each other's pillar of support. What a beautiful soul, it's rare that someone like him even exist anymore. I don't know what I've done to deserve him but I'm so thankful that I have him. I appreciate every single thing he has done for me. I am grateful beyond words can express. I'm honestly looking forward to my future with him.

I do get insecure over it sometimes. But at the end of the day, he reminds me that he loves me and it all feels better.

But today, things are a little different. I don't know why but I'm just so stressed out. Over what, I have no idea tbh. I just feel a sense of frustration and like sadness. And that's the reason why I'm not asleep. Maybe it's work, who knows.

Work has been physically demanding. Sometimes I just really hate how it is at work cause of the way people act (?). Like, I'm trying my best to do my best. I put in my 100% at work every single fucking day but people don't see it. I try to do everything right. I'm trying to be the responsible one but people don't get it that I'm still learning and trying. The sad truth of the adult working world is that people are just harsh and they don't give a fuck about your problems. If you do something wrong, you get scolded. You do something good, no one realizes and you just have to suck it up and go on. I've been working so hard and I'm not even receiving any commission cause of my probation which sucks balls.

I'm so afraid of making mistakes now even though it shouldn't be that way. People are so afraid of making mistakes now cause of the treatment they get when they make one.

Sigh, I just really wanna get rid of this feeling asap. I'm gonna try and get some rest right now. And hopefully, I'll be back on this space soon.