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Wednesday, January 26, 2022

S.

 Someone reminded me of this space therefore I'm back. 

My last post was in March 2021. It's January 25th, 2022. So much has changed since then I wanted to write a long ass caption for my annual new year's IG post but I genuinely don't know what to write there. My biggest takeaway from 2021? S. 

17th August 2021; that was the day we went on our first date. And we spent so much time together ever since. Everything was great, it really was. I even told Nabilah that if everyday was like this, it would be great. I was so happy. I thought I met the one I was going to settle down with. There were no red flags and that's when I started worrying. For the first three weeks, I kept asking him if he was sure and he said yes. We were still happy, playing house and everything. That was where I fucked up I guess? 

Next thing I knew, he changed. It felt like he didn't want me at all. He stopped paying attention to me, he don't really tell me that he love me, he don't touch me anymore. It was clear that something was off. Then it was red flags everywhere. I knew something was wrong. I kept quiet. I told myself, everything will be okay. Deep down I was struggling. I was crying. 

One day I mustered the courage to ask him if he still wanted the relationship. He told me he was scared of history repeating itself. He was scarred. I genuinely do not blame him for it. I knew he needed healing. 

Things progressively got worse. So I made the decision to take a break. 

November 17 2021; we took our 2 weeks break. You assured me that you'd figure things out. I got the most sincere hug from you. You kept telling me everything will be okay. I was in so much pain for that two weeks. I told myself to focus on what's important, which is myself. Even so, I was still so scared of you leaving, I cried myself to sleep every single night. 

Nov 29 2021; I got a text from you all of a sudden. You told me that you wanted to get back together. I was so happy I cried. I thought "we did it".

Look at us now. I'm still crying myself to sleep every single night. I still feel the pain. 

I don't understand. Was it me? 

Everyone keeps telling me that I deserve better. He's an asshole for treating me like shit. I should not depreciate my own self worth for him. I shouldn't cross the ocean for someone who wouldn't even cross a puddle for me. And I know it. I'm not stupid. I'm really not. I should let him go. I don't know why I have so much feelings for him. I don't understand why after all this time, after all the hurt he has put me through, my heart still wants him. 

My heart tells me to hold on. But for how long? Will it be worth it? Is it really worth hurting myself over and over again for him? Can I really wait for him to heal while I hurt myself so much in the process? Will we even get back together? Logically, I should move on. I should take care of myself. I should love myself more. 

No matter how much it hurts, I will still say... I love you S. More than you'll ever know, more than you ever have. I'm sorry I'm not the one for you but I hope, in our time together, you really did love me and you were happy. I really hope, you'll find happiness one day. Not just for you, but for K too. I hope she grows up happy and healthy. 


I really wish things would have worked out between us. But I guess, it's over now.