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Friday, March 10, 2017

Haven't blogged in awhile even tho so many things have been going on. 

All the suicidal attempts and depressing thoughts. Things can change in a matter of seconds. The amount of time I felt like giving up.

I constantly feel empty. I feel bad for things things I've done; hurting people and knowing that they are still hurting. I don't want to commit to anything right now, but I like the attention people shower me with. I like feeling loved, being treated like a princess, even when I know I shouldn't be doing that. I have the slightest feelings for that someone, but I don't think it'll ever work out. I'm not the person people thinks I am. I'm really fucked up. I can't even describe it because I know people will start walking out. I'm used to it, but not the pain. I'm tired of feeling lonely, I try not to, but I still do. I resort to hooking up and chatting with random guys to make myself feel wanted. I'm disgusted by my own actions. 

But what else am I supposed to do? I like being single, but I'm scared of feeling lonely. 

I'm not who I am 3 months ago. I told myself that this blog would be the place I pour out my genuine emotions, but I keep holding back cause I know who is reading. And that honestly suck balls. 

I'm the kind of person who is very willing to film a porno right now. That's the only way I can explain it right now. Yes, I'm afraid of people changing their perspective of me, words hurt me. 

I'm at a point where I'm very lost and in a huge dilemma to what I'm supposed to do next. I'm afraid of everything right now, I cannot risk being hurt or failing again. I'm afraid to fall. What am I supposed to do right now? Everyday I wake up and I ask myself what am I going to achieve today and honestly, I don't want to do anything. I just feel like crying every single day, knowing that someone's gonna get hurt by me or someone's gonna stop talking to me. 

People keep telling me to stay strong, telling me that I can survive, I can't. I really can't. Be in my shoes for a day, 10 mins in, you would want to give up. I tell myself that I need to change, but then again, for what? How? What do I change? 

I get myself so fucked up whenever I drink, I don't remember flagging a cab last night but somehow, I did. 

Sigh, I'm thinking bout a lot of things, but I honestly don't know what to write right now. Everything is just so messy. I just want to escape right now. Sigh, Fuck this shit. 

Just really need a break from reality. 

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